Fragments

My astrology said “this will make my day”. So, I thought be it is. Well, I’m not going to tell what the fuck it is. So if you are expecting some suspense thriller like a Nolan movie, please I’m not the right person. I have no story inside. All these days, I have been searching for a good focus to write. Good topics that will get thousands of views and comments .You know like every blogger out there I can also dream. There is no point in dreaming craps but still it costs no penny. So, today I have determined to write about nothing. I don’t have any idea about my subject of preference. Maybe it is movies, maybe music or politics or love or some craps like that. I have no clue. I’m sitting here with an empty and impossible mind.

It was Valentine’s Day. I can’t make it my area under discussion because I’m a breed of “fuck valentine’s day” class. Of course I’m single and that’s the chief reason to hate that day. Well, I’m happy now! I don’t want to shower love in my life, so with a pain inside I’m leaving that topic behind. Don’t confuse with my little pain, you know everybody likes to fuck around a little.  Then, love is a big subject to write but I hate that word and I wanted to be hatred in my life. I don’t want anybody to love me, which include my parents, relatives and all. Now you may think, I had a very disastrous childhood and all that stuffs. But I have to tell you, I have the best parents in this world and they gave a great life to me. I have a very good family that loves me a lot but still I never claimed that. Love is not a give and take strategy. According to me love is just to give, otherwise what is the fucking difference between love and business? To hell with love, I need to light something.

In every means, I’m a kind of loser. A loser is the one who didn’t even try. I can easily say I’m the fucking one. When I was a boy, I never ever think about losing anything in my life. That was one hell outta positive energy that I had at that time. Today, I’m confused with my state of survival.
Well, I already wrote so many in my blog about the negative side of me. Maybe, you think I’ll be the one who give up next day but you are wrong buddy. I will definitely enjoy the pain but never escape from this wonderland till the day comes.

All these topics are meaningless and useless. How about writing a poem about life, huh? Well, I can’t even think about that. I imagine crap and that will make shit. So better think about something else. Yeah, technology is a better topic and iPhone 4s is amazing. 45k is not a big amount b’coz it gives a girlfriend free. Siri is a bitch, she just says “Oooh!” and she will not explain what it means.  Steve Job was somehow amazing. The best thing he invented was iPhone “autocorrect” option. When he died, I was alive and sad just like his relatives. I thought about writing something about him in my pipe dreams and read almost all articles about him to get a thread but the needle was missing that day. Well, no more comments on technology; I’m sad.

My college life was some bloody hell of days that I ever had in my life. I remember that day. I, Karadi, tony and chamban were chatting all the nights. It was a long night and we talked about so many craps and end up somewhere around. Then we tried to summon up the starting point of our chat; it was an impossible job. We started somewhere and ended somewhere. Like an unplanned journey. Yeah, life is sometimes like that, you start your ride from somewhere; you travel through some unknown roads and will end up nowhere. But life has to go on. You have to live here till your date.

 I don’t have so many secrets in my life. I don’t have a good life. My hope is in trash, I know that. From where to start and where to stop I don’t know.  Whom to listen is another dilemma. My inner part is dead already. I don’t exactly know what is working inside and what is not. I’m weak now. But still I have to live on. There exists a dream somewhere inside. A dream of being lost and unknown. I want to write my story in which nothing happens. I want to show a life full of Junks. I want them to see the places I lived and people I fucked.

Speaking for now, I’m gone. Most of my days, I’m hiding behind the walls, thinking about a mass damage. I’m almost unknown today. I really want to know about everything. I want to know how my friends and parents doing. I hardly speak, nowadays. I need some goddamn weed to open up my soul now. I want to be in a normal state of existence, but I’m almost fucked up now.  Where am I gone wrong? Why did I want to be invisible? From where did I become skilled to hate? I need to find out some answers.

There was this guy, called Alan. He was my senior in college. We called him “Alamban” and as the name means, he was one hell outta guy. We were together in our hostel. He was staggering at that time, always with cigarette in his lips, wearing a “middle finger up” t-shirt and carrying some amazing tips for his juniors. I still remember him, the last day I saw him with a clean shaved face and an un-fucking believable character. He was changed exactly opposite to what he was. From that moment I believe in reincarnation. Maybe I have changed a lot in my life, but never like him. I want to change like him from within. I always believe that a human being can change his life by altering his attitude. Yes, I’m sure about that but all we need is a new place to live the rest of the life, otherwise those old fucking craps will hunt us down. We all are born with a goddamn brain.

This girl, we were together in our schools about one year. I found her depressed during our re-union. I hardly know her but I was curious. Yes, I just thought about flirting her but things went in a different way. We became friends; she was in love with a friend of mine. I was not so excited, she was my good friend.  She asked for a help, I thought it was silly. And that’s the end of it. I know I acted silly, I’m sorry for that.  But what about the helps I have done before? I’m not talking about how the fuck I helped someone, I just meant “past is past”. Whatever you did, never expect anything from that. Life is not a goddamn business. Never expect; it feels more comfortable.

It was that day, when technology went wrong. I was alight at that night for no reasons. It was all of a sudden the fire started eating my house. I acted well. I walked through that black hazy smoke. The floor was full of glass pieces. I walked it with bare foot. The refrigerator was just ashes by that time; but managed to save my home. What if I was asleep at that night? Where is that courage now? I was a hero but not now. I’m the disgrace now.

He was my neighbor. He was my father’s friend. I knew him since I was a child. He was very kind and a good person. We were very close. Just one point, he went wide of the mark. His only daughter deceived him. She ran away from house with the man she loved. Not a big deal in this 21^st century but to him it was his life. He never agreed to anybody. He believed that his side was right. That’s the case; every problem has so many sides. In this problem, there is more than one right side. But he refused the fact. From his point, no one can force him to change. Alcohol is the best friend of a hurt. At last that day was born. I was sleeping the noon, after a long night. Mom called me in a hurry and I smelled the trouble. No time for anything, just picked the keys and I ran out. Started the engine, he said he was ok and no need to hurry. I thought it was true. But he lied. I saw him vomiting blood in solid form. I saw him alive with no blood circulation inside. From one hospital to another, we rushed. But he never got a second chance to think about it. It was a tragic end, but he didn’t suffer it long. Just one day and that was his end. He was a good person. His funeral reflected the way he was. I was there near to his coffin, all that night. I didn’t eat or sleep that day. He left this world with a lot of pain inside. How did he say, “I’m ok “when he was bleeding inside? Life is strange, he was a good person. But he fixed no problems.  It was a tragedy. I tried my best; I’m not a doctor nor am I the God. But there is a pain still somewhere at the bottom of my heart. I should have much faster.

That man, I don’t know him, I never seen him before, was making big noise in front of my house. My father is a politician and that’s the reason he was shouting.  My father is a good politician and a good man. I know that. He had suffered a lot in his political life, I also know that. Why that guy shouting towards him, I don’t know. I was about to take a bath when I heard these shouting. I came down and talk to him and tried to calm him down but he was untouchable. I thought of hitting him in the face but I was a little bit afraid. He remains the same. One moment he crossed the limits and I hit him hard. After that, I used my legs and all my power to keep that fucker down and my first single fight was a big success. His wound was 12 stitches long. I never proud high about that, I feel sorry for that but it was just happened .I did that mistake and that was the only one I ever did to a human being with something on my mind. After that I done so many things in my life but nothing went well. Maybe I could have told him at least a sorry but I did nothing.

My life has no big bang stories. I want to live a good life. I hate the one I’m having now. I have lost it, somewhere. I wrote some fragments, from my life. These are the nights, I cried a lot in my life. I can’t dream about a good tomorrow.  Maybe, I had some good dreams in the past. But it was erased from my memory line. I never planned to write so; I just give it a try. Wish I would never come back to this blog but life is nothing but a surprise. Now just have that dream, the dream of being lost and unknown; somewhere, someday!